Like so many of our friends, Shweta too took up a job offer in the UAE. She joined as senior manager in the human resource department of the company. Her posting was in India, but she had to be at their home office in Abu Dhabi on deputation for a year. As expected, she was quite excited at the prospect of an international assignment and trusted the employer to be fair, as they have been in the business long enough. The pre-travel proceedings went fine, except for a tiny hitch around her housing facilities. Shweta had objected to a shared accommodation, but the employer had been adamant because an independent accommodation would be beyond their budget, they claimed.
On arrival, she was taken to a ‘temporary’ one-bedroom apartment. This was to be the arrangement till they find an exclusive room and bath for her, with a kitchen ‘shared’ with 3-4 other girls. Shweta started enjoying her transient luxury while it lasted. One fine day, she was told, her accommodation was ready should she wish to take a look. To her dismay, Shweta found the apartment was shared by 8-9 girls, so much so that the living room too has 4 beds laid out. The kitchen was unimaginably dirty and laundry was being dried on the corridor. There is no dining area, so the employees eat on their respective beds! Needless to say, no visitors are allowed in the apartment, not even family. The housemates are recent graduates and about 6 to 7 levels professionally junior to Shweta.
She had expected to share an executive company guest house and not a workers’ mess. So, her first reaction was to discuss it with her colleagues. She figured that other employees at her level – who are not recruited for India – are offered two-bedroom apartments. So, what she was being offered amounts to serious discrimination. Shweta was forced to wonder if she was recruited only because she is a single woman without a family. It would work out cheaper for the company to accommodate her than another candidate with a family.
She decided to take these issues to her senior at the workplace, who explained that she was the first recruit in her category and the company had no proper guidelines to follow. She was asked to frame a policy on global deputations and assignments to deal with similar challenges in the future. Thank goodness for specializing in personnel management. But, what about her own accommodation issue? That’s been looked into, came the reply.
PS: Dear readers, do you have similar experiences to share, especially when you or your dear ones have flocked to the Middle East lured by a plum job offer?
Monday, 7 March 2011
The other woman in his life
Most of us have read this email forward several times by now, yet it’s one of those that touch us deeply every time we come across it. It’s the story of this man whose wife asks him to take his mother out on a Friday evening dinner date. The wife obliges because she feels her husband is so caught up with his daily chores that he hasn’t been spending enough time with this other woman in his life who loves him as dearly as she does. Profound emotions and highly commendable, but equally rare, you would say. I would say, no, it’s not that unusual to find such wives.
Anyway, to come back to the story, the mother who has been a widower for several years, is as delighted at the prospect as expected, but apprehensive at the same time. She dresses up in her finest clothes and waits for her son to pick her up on his way back from work. They have a pleasant meal at a fancy restaurant, where the son helps mother choose from the menu card because she can only read large print. It
reminds her of the times when the son was a child and she would help him likewise. They get so engrossed in the talking that they miss the film that was to follow the dinner. At the end of the evening, he drops her home. But the mother offers to take the son out for another meal soon.
A few days later, she dies of a sudden heart attack, leaving everybody unprepared. Sometime after, the son receives an envelope by post. It contains a paid bill for two at the same restaurant he had taken his mother to, along with a note from her that read: ‘You will never know what that night meant for me. I want you to enjoy the same meal once more. But since I don’t know if I will be around when you receive
this, please take your wife along.’
PS: How many of you would expect the mother-in-law to acknowledge her daughter-in-law’s contribution in making that evening so special? I’m talking about it in real time, in the life of a modern day, independent, working woman.
Anyway, to come back to the story, the mother who has been a widower for several years, is as delighted at the prospect as expected, but apprehensive at the same time. She dresses up in her finest clothes and waits for her son to pick her up on his way back from work. They have a pleasant meal at a fancy restaurant, where the son helps mother choose from the menu card because she can only read large print. It
reminds her of the times when the son was a child and she would help him likewise. They get so engrossed in the talking that they miss the film that was to follow the dinner. At the end of the evening, he drops her home. But the mother offers to take the son out for another meal soon.
A few days later, she dies of a sudden heart attack, leaving everybody unprepared. Sometime after, the son receives an envelope by post. It contains a paid bill for two at the same restaurant he had taken his mother to, along with a note from her that read: ‘You will never know what that night meant for me. I want you to enjoy the same meal once more. But since I don’t know if I will be around when you receive
this, please take your wife along.’
PS: How many of you would expect the mother-in-law to acknowledge her daughter-in-law’s contribution in making that evening so special? I’m talking about it in real time, in the life of a modern day, independent, working woman.
Life’s choices
Prita had unknowingly walked into the marriage and in no time a bundle of joy was added to the family – the only source of pleasure in the communion. Ever since, there has been enough love in the relationship between husband and wife as there has been miseries. Her husband does take good care of her and the family, but simply cannot get over his addictions with women and alcohol. If Prita objects, he gets defensive and at times even physically violent.
As the years go by, Prita learns to live with it. She is an independent working woman – as most of us are in today’s world – but she doesn’t have a support system to fall back on, either on her parents’ side or her in-laws. Besides, there is a certain amount of father-son bonding that she doesn’t want to disturb. So walking out of the marriage isn’t an option. The one hope that keeps her going is that one day he will get tired of his activities and will come back home to be a good husband and a good father.
Now comes the trickiest part: Life gifts her two options to choose from.
Option 1:
One day, after encountering severe physical abuse from her husband and in-laws, Prita walks out on her family. She is so disturbed that she doesn’t even get her son along. She feels, he will get a more secure life in that home and will eventually get over his emotional need for a mother.
Soon after, she meets another gentleman, a recently-divorced father of two girls. But since they are both minors, the mother has their custody, leaving the father only weekends to spend with the kids. Prita and Pankaj get along like a house on fire and within a week, he proposes marriage to her. They have so much in common and so much to share and in desperate need to find a comforting shoulder – something she never found in her ex-husband – that this seems to be the most natural thing to happen.
PS: Should Prita put the past behind her and take a positive step towards another, supposedly more solid, relationship?
Option 2:
Prita meets a guy about her own age, single and charming, and they hit it off well right from the word go. He hears about her background, and having himself broken off with his girlfriend recently, empathizes with Prita’s life story.
Prita, on her part, is immensely drawn to this person and his affectionate nature. For the first time she wishes she was single again. She is so enamoured by him that all she yearns for is a night of passionate encounter. Afterall, her husband is always cheating on her; she doing it once wouldn't really harm anybody.
But deep down she is worried that the incident might mess up her mind and she can never face her son again. Besides she has developed a soft spot for this guy and doesn't want to encourage him to get involved with a married woman like herself and further complicate his life. He did tell her once that he doesn't want to lose out on having his own kids some day.
PS: Should Prita have a one-night-stand to douse the fire and move on with life?
As the years go by, Prita learns to live with it. She is an independent working woman – as most of us are in today’s world – but she doesn’t have a support system to fall back on, either on her parents’ side or her in-laws. Besides, there is a certain amount of father-son bonding that she doesn’t want to disturb. So walking out of the marriage isn’t an option. The one hope that keeps her going is that one day he will get tired of his activities and will come back home to be a good husband and a good father.
Now comes the trickiest part: Life gifts her two options to choose from.
Option 1:
One day, after encountering severe physical abuse from her husband and in-laws, Prita walks out on her family. She is so disturbed that she doesn’t even get her son along. She feels, he will get a more secure life in that home and will eventually get over his emotional need for a mother.
Soon after, she meets another gentleman, a recently-divorced father of two girls. But since they are both minors, the mother has their custody, leaving the father only weekends to spend with the kids. Prita and Pankaj get along like a house on fire and within a week, he proposes marriage to her. They have so much in common and so much to share and in desperate need to find a comforting shoulder – something she never found in her ex-husband – that this seems to be the most natural thing to happen.
PS: Should Prita put the past behind her and take a positive step towards another, supposedly more solid, relationship?
Option 2:
Prita meets a guy about her own age, single and charming, and they hit it off well right from the word go. He hears about her background, and having himself broken off with his girlfriend recently, empathizes with Prita’s life story.
Prita, on her part, is immensely drawn to this person and his affectionate nature. For the first time she wishes she was single again. She is so enamoured by him that all she yearns for is a night of passionate encounter. Afterall, her husband is always cheating on her; she doing it once wouldn't really harm anybody.
But deep down she is worried that the incident might mess up her mind and she can never face her son again. Besides she has developed a soft spot for this guy and doesn't want to encourage him to get involved with a married woman like herself and further complicate his life. He did tell her once that he doesn't want to lose out on having his own kids some day.
PS: Should Prita have a one-night-stand to douse the fire and move on with life?
Dancing away her worries!
In this space, we have had enough talks about oppression and injustice; and why and how women should fight for what is rightfully their. But today I recount the story of Ritha Devi and what she has achieved in life by standing up for herself.
She was born in a family of erudite scholars who have ruled the literary histories of Bengal and Assam. Ritha Devi is the granddaughter of Lakshminath Bezbaroa, father of modern Assamese literature, and great-grand-niece of Nobel laureate Rabindranath Tagore. As was the family tradition, she was married off to a rich, successful professional – considered an extremely suitable match for a lady of such stature.
But Ritha Devi had always nurtured this secret desire to be a dancer, to which her father had vehemently objected. In those days, dancing was considered against the norms of a respectable family. Her husband to-be promised to help her pursue her dream, but only till the wedding. As a newly-married wife, Ritha Devi realized her folly. Her husband turned out to be quite a tyrant in his personal life as he was a difficult task-master in his professional life. Not only was she not allowed to dance, she was tortured enough to suffer miscarriages.
So she made it a point to continue with her dream career by hook or by crook. She ended up studying seven forms of Indian classical dance - Manipuri, Bharathanatyam, Kathakali, Mohiniattam, Sattriya Nritya, Kuchipudi and Odissi - from the most orthodox guru for each style. When her son was only but a child, she walked out on her husband and found home in another city.
Today, she is acknowledged internationally for reviving Mahari (Devadasi of Shri Jagannatha temple in Puri, Orissa) tradition of Odissi dance style. She is the first woman to teach the sacred Sattriya Nritya of Assam, and the first dancer to take it out of Assam and also India. She even studied and promoted certain traditional dances of Assam, like Deodhani and Deonati, that were on the verge of extinction.
Over the years she has received many honours and accolades. Her art has taken her to 12 European countries, the US and Russia. On her fourth tour to the US, she was invited by New York University to teach Indian dance, which she did for 10 years.
She now lives a retired life in Pune. But even at 84 she hasn’t given up teaching and performing her favourite art. When I approached her to teach my three-year-old some of her skills, she offered to teach me instead, saying, “I have taught 60-year-olds to dance because it’s the best exercise you will ever get!”
Unfortunately, I could not take up her offer as I left the city soon after. But her indomitable spirit and awe-inspiring personality continue to inspire me wherever I live.
PS: Dear readers, make sure you pay her a visit the next time you are in the city. It will be worth your time and effort.
She was born in a family of erudite scholars who have ruled the literary histories of Bengal and Assam. Ritha Devi is the granddaughter of Lakshminath Bezbaroa, father of modern Assamese literature, and great-grand-niece of Nobel laureate Rabindranath Tagore. As was the family tradition, she was married off to a rich, successful professional – considered an extremely suitable match for a lady of such stature.
But Ritha Devi had always nurtured this secret desire to be a dancer, to which her father had vehemently objected. In those days, dancing was considered against the norms of a respectable family. Her husband to-be promised to help her pursue her dream, but only till the wedding. As a newly-married wife, Ritha Devi realized her folly. Her husband turned out to be quite a tyrant in his personal life as he was a difficult task-master in his professional life. Not only was she not allowed to dance, she was tortured enough to suffer miscarriages.
So she made it a point to continue with her dream career by hook or by crook. She ended up studying seven forms of Indian classical dance - Manipuri, Bharathanatyam, Kathakali, Mohiniattam, Sattriya Nritya, Kuchipudi and Odissi - from the most orthodox guru for each style. When her son was only but a child, she walked out on her husband and found home in another city.
Today, she is acknowledged internationally for reviving Mahari (Devadasi of Shri Jagannatha temple in Puri, Orissa) tradition of Odissi dance style. She is the first woman to teach the sacred Sattriya Nritya of Assam, and the first dancer to take it out of Assam and also India. She even studied and promoted certain traditional dances of Assam, like Deodhani and Deonati, that were on the verge of extinction.
Over the years she has received many honours and accolades. Her art has taken her to 12 European countries, the US and Russia. On her fourth tour to the US, she was invited by New York University to teach Indian dance, which she did for 10 years.
She now lives a retired life in Pune. But even at 84 she hasn’t given up teaching and performing her favourite art. When I approached her to teach my three-year-old some of her skills, she offered to teach me instead, saying, “I have taught 60-year-olds to dance because it’s the best exercise you will ever get!”
Unfortunately, I could not take up her offer as I left the city soon after. But her indomitable spirit and awe-inspiring personality continue to inspire me wherever I live.
PS: Dear readers, make sure you pay her a visit the next time you are in the city. It will be worth your time and effort.
Loan shirks!
I needed an education loan. My first and obvious choice was State Bank of India. I went to the branch that’s closest to my residence and waited in queue to meet the loan ‘executive’. There was only one such executive dealing with all kinds of loans –home loans, car loans, education loans and the works. No doubt he was swamped by a mob, aggravated by the non-stop ringing of his mobile phone.
I waited for two and a half hours, got frustrated and left. I was getting late for work and so decided to go to the branch closer to my workplace. I went to this downtown office of SBI and ended up attracting suspicious looks from the loan officers. I was told that I should visit them with my parents if I wanted a loan. When I explained that I am a parent myself, I was asked: ‘Where’s your husband? Come with him.’
Phew! I got a bit sick of dealing with these obnoxious, staid, ultra-reactionary workers! For god’s sake can somebody explain why I need to be chaperoned when it’s me who needs the education loan? That apart, I do look like a mature student and not a young turk in my early 20s. (Wish I was though…!)
All that I was told was that the loan will be given to my husband and not me, even if I needed it for my own studies. Any more questions were met with further suspicious looks. I looked up online and even there the rules weren’t explained clearly.
The next morning I went to Bank of Baroda because somebody recommended their education loans. They were extremely friendly, but advised me to go to SBI as I didn’t have an account with them. When I told them about my experiences, they told me it’s because I will have to quit my job to pursue the course that I needed a ‘working’ guarantor. That made sense.
So I went back to SBI again, this time with my husband. But no, they tell me that I have to quit my job, get a relieving letter from the company and attach it with my loan application form. The loan takes about one month to process. Are you kidding? That means I quit my job about three months before I begin my course, without any assurance if my loan will be approved or my visa application will get accepted!
I must mention here, I have been an SBI customer for the past 30 years now and about seven years back, I had taken a student loan from them which has been paid back completely.
So, anyway, I gave up my pursuit for a better interest rate from a nationalised bank and headed to the bank that holds my salary account – HDFC Bank. I got excellent service from them and an agent was sent to my residence within the next couple of hours. But I wanted my sister as my guarantor/ co-applicant, because my husband had just returned from an overseas job and his employment papers were not in place. Incidentally, my sister is a working lady and holds a salary account with the same bank. She said she will have no problem, as her relationship manager has offered to process it in a week.
Voila! I sent her all my papers and the application was submitted. But two weeks went by with no correspondence from the bank. When she enquired, she was told the loan application has been rejected. Why? Because a married woman cannot have her sister, another married woman, as her guarantor/ co-applicant. So what’s the way out? My husband is the only person who can be my guarantor/ co-applicant. Period.
By then, a lot of time had gone by. I was also reaching the end of my patience. My husband advised: ‘Forget the education loan. It’s not a big amount. Just go for a simple personal loan.’ And so I did! Now I am paying off a hefty EMI each month. It’s weighing like a dagger on my head, even though my course hasn’t started officially.
So much for all the education loan commercials! Wonder how much revenue they spend on such publicity…
PS: Don’t you feel this is discrimination against married women? Why would their husbands only be their guarantors? Shouldn’t their parents and siblings have an equal right on them as their husbands? I would love to know what happens if the husband opts for an education loan and has a non-working wife. Who is eligible to be his guarantor/ co-applicant?
I waited for two and a half hours, got frustrated and left. I was getting late for work and so decided to go to the branch closer to my workplace. I went to this downtown office of SBI and ended up attracting suspicious looks from the loan officers. I was told that I should visit them with my parents if I wanted a loan. When I explained that I am a parent myself, I was asked: ‘Where’s your husband? Come with him.’
Phew! I got a bit sick of dealing with these obnoxious, staid, ultra-reactionary workers! For god’s sake can somebody explain why I need to be chaperoned when it’s me who needs the education loan? That apart, I do look like a mature student and not a young turk in my early 20s. (Wish I was though…!)
All that I was told was that the loan will be given to my husband and not me, even if I needed it for my own studies. Any more questions were met with further suspicious looks. I looked up online and even there the rules weren’t explained clearly.
The next morning I went to Bank of Baroda because somebody recommended their education loans. They were extremely friendly, but advised me to go to SBI as I didn’t have an account with them. When I told them about my experiences, they told me it’s because I will have to quit my job to pursue the course that I needed a ‘working’ guarantor. That made sense.
So I went back to SBI again, this time with my husband. But no, they tell me that I have to quit my job, get a relieving letter from the company and attach it with my loan application form. The loan takes about one month to process. Are you kidding? That means I quit my job about three months before I begin my course, without any assurance if my loan will be approved or my visa application will get accepted!
I must mention here, I have been an SBI customer for the past 30 years now and about seven years back, I had taken a student loan from them which has been paid back completely.
So, anyway, I gave up my pursuit for a better interest rate from a nationalised bank and headed to the bank that holds my salary account – HDFC Bank. I got excellent service from them and an agent was sent to my residence within the next couple of hours. But I wanted my sister as my guarantor/ co-applicant, because my husband had just returned from an overseas job and his employment papers were not in place. Incidentally, my sister is a working lady and holds a salary account with the same bank. She said she will have no problem, as her relationship manager has offered to process it in a week.
Voila! I sent her all my papers and the application was submitted. But two weeks went by with no correspondence from the bank. When she enquired, she was told the loan application has been rejected. Why? Because a married woman cannot have her sister, another married woman, as her guarantor/ co-applicant. So what’s the way out? My husband is the only person who can be my guarantor/ co-applicant. Period.
By then, a lot of time had gone by. I was also reaching the end of my patience. My husband advised: ‘Forget the education loan. It’s not a big amount. Just go for a simple personal loan.’ And so I did! Now I am paying off a hefty EMI each month. It’s weighing like a dagger on my head, even though my course hasn’t started officially.
So much for all the education loan commercials! Wonder how much revenue they spend on such publicity…
PS: Don’t you feel this is discrimination against married women? Why would their husbands only be their guarantors? Shouldn’t their parents and siblings have an equal right on them as their husbands? I would love to know what happens if the husband opts for an education loan and has a non-working wife. Who is eligible to be his guarantor/ co-applicant?
When you choose to end the marriage…
What happens when it's you who chooses to end the marriage because you realize it’s not going anywhere?
You are a woman of the day, financially independent, in your mid-30s. All that you were looking for in the marriage was companionship and a legal path to motherhood. But this man who played a perfect boyfriend - wooing you with his wealth of education, deep pocket and illustrious family background - starts getting abusive (even resorting to physical violence) right from your honeymoon days.
What are you expected to do? Grit your teeth and bear? Yes, you have had a failed marriage in your early 20s; you married your high school sweetheart ignoring your parents' experienced advice. You hadn't realised the social and cultural differences would make it too difficult to bridge the two families. But this time you made sure they were on a par. This time you had put your head before your heart. So what went wrong?
Ah well, that's another thought saved for another day. The bottomline is, the marriage wasn't working out. So you chose to walk out of it.
PS: Should the society brand you a woman difficult to please? Are you too set in your ways and not suited for a marriage whose basis is compromise and adjustment? Should so-called married women see you as a threat because you are still attractive and available?
You are a woman of the day, financially independent, in your mid-30s. All that you were looking for in the marriage was companionship and a legal path to motherhood. But this man who played a perfect boyfriend - wooing you with his wealth of education, deep pocket and illustrious family background - starts getting abusive (even resorting to physical violence) right from your honeymoon days.
What are you expected to do? Grit your teeth and bear? Yes, you have had a failed marriage in your early 20s; you married your high school sweetheart ignoring your parents' experienced advice. You hadn't realised the social and cultural differences would make it too difficult to bridge the two families. But this time you made sure they were on a par. This time you had put your head before your heart. So what went wrong?
Ah well, that's another thought saved for another day. The bottomline is, the marriage wasn't working out. So you chose to walk out of it.
PS: Should the society brand you a woman difficult to please? Are you too set in your ways and not suited for a marriage whose basis is compromise and adjustment? Should so-called married women see you as a threat because you are still attractive and available?
When the marriage is over...
Rehana had a very conservative and strict upbringing. She was seldom allowed to speak to the guys in her MA class. But Raheem, who went for the same civil service coaching as her, claimed to have a crush on her. And that scared Rehana even further. She would avoid him like the plague. Raheem wasn't one to give up so easily. So one morning, he tracked down Rehana's mother who was on her customary morning walk at the wee hours. He literally fell at her feet and asked her for her daughter's hand. Post certain speculative and probing questions, she agreed to speak to her husband about him. The Kazis were looking to get their eldest married and this seemed like a golden opportunity. Afterall Raheem's credentials were quite impressive - he was pursuing a PhD at JNU and at the same time also trying his luck at civil service exams.
So Rehana and Raheem got married. It was decided that Rehana would also go for a PhD at the same university so as to facilitate staying in the same city. A bright student, Rehana too got started with her doctoral research but insisted on staying in bachelors' quarters. She was scared she would get mothered too soon and that would be the end of her professional career. Not to mention, her husband kept trying his luck at coaxing her to move into a couples' accommodation on campus.
Finally, Rehana conceived and a few months later gave birth to a lovely little girl. It was almost towards the end of her thesis submission. So when the baby was three months old, she left her with her mother and went back to Delhi to finish her studies. Almost a year and a half later she got her degree and also took her daughter back to live with them.
Now she works for a respectable think tank under the Ministry of External Affairs and her daughter goes to a reputable school in the Capital. Raheem is a lecturer at a government run college. A secure job that's not taking him anywhere. And that's become the bone of contention in their marriage. Only recently Rehana has found out about this other woman in Raheem's life who he wants to marry and run a parallel family set-up. In fact, this relationship has been continuing for a few years now. Rehana had completed a degree in law along with her doctorate. So as a final resort, she even tells him that this second marriage will cost him his job, because the Indian government does not accept bigamy.
The once peaceful and happy household is now akin to a war zone. The last I heard from her, Raheem has agreed to stay at home, perform his fatherly duties and not marry that other woman. But he has asked Rehana to not expect anything more from their marriage. Because it's obvious he hasn't given up on that other woman. He has refused to go for a divorce unless it is by mutual agreement. Rehana too can't call it off totally because she feels her daughter needs a father figure to fall back on and also because her earnings are not enough to give them a good life.
PS: I know she is being practical, but should dignity override practicality?
So Rehana and Raheem got married. It was decided that Rehana would also go for a PhD at the same university so as to facilitate staying in the same city. A bright student, Rehana too got started with her doctoral research but insisted on staying in bachelors' quarters. She was scared she would get mothered too soon and that would be the end of her professional career. Not to mention, her husband kept trying his luck at coaxing her to move into a couples' accommodation on campus.
Finally, Rehana conceived and a few months later gave birth to a lovely little girl. It was almost towards the end of her thesis submission. So when the baby was three months old, she left her with her mother and went back to Delhi to finish her studies. Almost a year and a half later she got her degree and also took her daughter back to live with them.
Now she works for a respectable think tank under the Ministry of External Affairs and her daughter goes to a reputable school in the Capital. Raheem is a lecturer at a government run college. A secure job that's not taking him anywhere. And that's become the bone of contention in their marriage. Only recently Rehana has found out about this other woman in Raheem's life who he wants to marry and run a parallel family set-up. In fact, this relationship has been continuing for a few years now. Rehana had completed a degree in law along with her doctorate. So as a final resort, she even tells him that this second marriage will cost him his job, because the Indian government does not accept bigamy.
The once peaceful and happy household is now akin to a war zone. The last I heard from her, Raheem has agreed to stay at home, perform his fatherly duties and not marry that other woman. But he has asked Rehana to not expect anything more from their marriage. Because it's obvious he hasn't given up on that other woman. He has refused to go for a divorce unless it is by mutual agreement. Rehana too can't call it off totally because she feels her daughter needs a father figure to fall back on and also because her earnings are not enough to give them a good life.
PS: I know she is being practical, but should dignity override practicality?
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